Our life since Christmas has been going non-stop.  It’s been hard to find the time to get together for our usual date night.  I know some of you can relate.  I was talking to my sister-in-law who has a baby and a toddler.  Date Night?  By the time the kids are fed, laundry folded, vomit wiped up, kitchen cleaned from food being thrown around, they are exhausted!  Can I say that I am so glad to be done with that stage of life?! 

I remember when I was in grad school, working full-time, co-leading a marriage group at our church, getting boys to baseball practice and then doing housework; being exhausted was a constant thing.  Date Night?  Those nights were hard to schedule.  Sleep seemed more important. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am a HUGE fan of date nights!  I think finding time to spend with the love of your life is vital to the health of your marriage.  I am saying that sometimes there are seasons in our life where it is harder to find the time or money to get out with your spouse.  What then?  I think ultimately it’s the little things we do for our spouse that make our marriage amazing, not the occasional, big gestures. I posted a blog a few months ago entitled, “Love is a verb” go back and reread it.  Lots of good suggestions on little things you can do to show your spouse you love them. 

What about those of you who do all those little things, but when it comes to intimacy have “lost it” or the spark just isn’t there?  That’s a hard one.  I”m not a marriage counselor, but I can say that when Scott and I were doing the 25 day challenge (see previous blog on that one), there were days when we didn’t feel like being intimate or we were so tired.  However, we were committed to the process and to the growth of our relationship.  So my advice is this.  Just do it. Do it.  Do it more than once a week.  It may be awkward at first, but commit to the process and to the growth of your relationship.  Talking to a marriage counselor is always a good idea if you feel you are really stuck. 

Anyway, this Valentines Day, husbands – buy your wife a lovely bouquet of flowers or something sparkly.  Wives – wear that uncomfortable sexy underwear for your man.  Put each other first and make your marriage amazing.  Thanks for listening!  Kirsten

Reblogged from Top E-rants:

Pineapples are divine. I can just imagine sinking my teeth into freshly cut pineapples, as the juice trickles in between my fingers. Another bite and I just don’t want to stop. Have you ever been in love?  To me, it is just like eating delicious pineapples. I bet you all want to hear my story, so here goes nothing. Yup yup, I was a believer in ‘happily ever after’, but boy was I wrong. As I sit here reminiscing about my past relationship (at least it felt that way to me), I cannot for the life of me …

This blog really challenged me and I found it amazing. Read and enjoy!

Can we all agree that our life is a journey and one that necessarily isn’t always smooth?  Wouldn’t it be nice though if we never had arguements with our spouse, friends, or co-workers?  What if we always had enough money to do all the projects we wanted to do or if we could pay our bills on time?  What if communication or sex wasn’t an issue in our marriage?  What if friends always stayed friends?   But, as we all know, life isn’t always smooth sailing.  Sometimes we hit a pothole or sometimes we take a detour.  What do we do at times like these?  How do we bounce back and get our relationships and maybe even ourselves back on course? 

I think there are several different options we can explore as we try to figure out how to start a new path.  I love counseling.  I have been to counseling several times to navigate through difficult issues and situations in my own life.  I find it really helpful to talk to someone neutral about problems and get some wisdom on how to deal with them.  I can’t stress the importance of prayer and fasting.  God has shown up more times in my life when I was at a low point and crying out to Him.  I have found prayer seriously helpful.  If you need to go to a doctor to become more emotionally stable, then do it.  If it can help keep you calm while you work things out, then it’s worth it.   Talk through the problem,in a  calm manner and with the intent to understand,  not thinking of comebacks or comments.  Just listen, repeat what they’ve said to clarify understanding, and then continue the conversation. 

We can’t change what has happened in the past, but we can set our mind on taking a new path.  Determine to let the past be the past.  Forgive and move forward.  Learn from mistakes and set your mind to new things, to new adventures, to growing.  We can’t change the past, but we can set our mind toward the future and change our ending.  Is it easy?  No.  Does it take time to unlearn behaviors or habits?  Yes.  Is it worth it?  Yes.  Commit to the process and determine to make your marriage amazing. 

Proverbs 3:6  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.”   Thanks for listening to my thoughts.  Kirsten

The second rule of bucket filling is “Don’t Dip”.  Easy right?  Maybe not so much.  It’s easy to watch your words and actions when your bucket is full and you are working with people who are kind all the time and always put each other first.  But, that’s not real life is it?  Reality is that we live in an imperfect world with imperfect people and sometimes we find ourselves in sticky situations.  It’s hard to swallow our pride and not have a curt retort or to just walk away when we’ve been insulted or wounded.  It’s easy to fill the bucket of our spouse when they are loving and attentive, but harder to fill when they are cranky or inattentive.  In situations that are hard, I try and remember to look to God’s word for guidance.  What does God have to say about the words we speak or about dipping into each other’s buckets?  Quite frankly, He has tons to say about it.  I think that if God talks so much about a certain subject, I find that maybe it’s because He thinks it’s really important.  Maybe we need to understand how this whole bucket filling thing works.   Here are a few of my favorite verses.

“Let no corrupt word come out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification that it may impart grace into the hearers.” Ephesians 4:29

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Proverbs 18:21

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

“The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.” Proverbs 15:4

I teach my students this analogy.  Let’s say you throw a rock into a pond.  What happens?  You create a ripple effect that spreads out quite a bit.  Our words and actions are the rock and the ripples or waves are the consequences.  Even if we apologize, the effects don’t go away.  There can be lasting consequences to our words and our actions.  That is why the second rule is so important.  If you dip into your spouse’s bucket or your children’s bucket, the consequences could be disastrous.

Let’s remember to let our actions and our words reflect the heart of God.  When you are angry at your spouse, watch your words and your actions.  When your kids have done stupid things, speak truth out of love.  What would happen if everyone took the concept of bucket filling to heart?  Can you imagine the lasting impact in our world?  What would happen if all Christians decided to fill buckets instead of dipping into them?  Do you think the heart of God would be represented more?  I do.  It’s crazy to think about what could happen.

In my home, the rules are simple.  Fill buckets, don’t dip from them.  Scott and I are training our boys to know that our words have the power to bring death or life.  Choose life.  Choose to rise above the circumstances that surround you and to speak life.  I pray that my words and actions reflect the heart of God.

Challenge:  Today, make it a priority to fill a bucket and when you want to dip, walk away and cool down.  Take some time to think before you speak.  Filling buckets is so much better than dipping into them.  I’d like to know your thoughts on bucket filling. What do you think?  Thanks for listening.  Kirsten

For more information on bucket filling go to www.bucketfillers101.com.  Great parent resources and books for kids.

Being in a relationship means that conflicts are going to happen.  How do we react?  Do we yell at one another?  Do you throw old arguments back into the pot?  It is scientifically proven that when you are at your angriest, your cognitive function is at its lowest.  Think of a reflective bell curve.  Emotions are at top line, cognitive functioning is the bottom line.  That is why the old, “Stop and Think” is so important when working to resolve a conflict. 

I love how this blogger (marriagecoach1.wordpress.com) uses God’s Word to help us handle our disagreements.  Enjoy the message! Kirsten 

My How To Resolve Conflict Was Published in A Health Care Newsletter

Resolving Conflict Peacefully

 I always tell my clients to first go and study two movies from the rental store: THE BREAK UP, and WAR OF THE ROSES. You can see art imitating life. Study these movies and see yourselves portrayed in these movies. Watch and see the mistakes that they have made and that you have made similar mistakes as well. Children are terrified when they hear parents fighting.

When a spouse is angry with you, the first rule is to SHUT UP AND LISTEN. I know that it is hard to do. You need to let them get out everything that bothers them before you counter their arguments. Once they are done, ask to repeat back what they said so that you and the spouse are sure that you understand the problem. Then ask: “In what way can we resolve this problem”? This goes a long way to resolving the problem. Calmly discuss solutions. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger” Proverbs 15:1

AGREE TO DISAGREE

Too many times people are locked into winning. The problem with winning is that there is also a loser who will feel humiliated. Better to “agree to disagree”. In this way, neither party feels like they have “lost” the argument.

FLIPPING A COIN

If negotiating has not worked and the person is still adamant that they want a solution the Bible has a solution: “The lot causes contentions to cease and parts the mighty.” Proverbs

Casting lots was a dice game, but a modern day corollary would be a flip of the coin to settle the issue. You both have to agree in advance that this will settle the issue, and then stick to it.

NEGOTIATING CONFLICT

When you are in a discussion where you both have a point of view that you feel strongly about, there is another alternative. You can agree to negotiate the argument for a peaceful settlement. You can do this by adopting a 10 scale. You each assign a numerical value form 1-10 depending on how firmly you believe your side is worth. You have to give an honest evaluation. Using a 10 where there is absolutely no room for negotiation, to a 1 scale where you could go either way. Come up with a legitimate number to assess your position. Suppose your spouse is at a 7 and you are at a 4 then you agree to give in to the spouse’s 7 to make for a peaceful resolution.

SPLITTING THE DIFFERENCE

Another good way to resolve the argument is to simply compromise half way between the two points of view. Both parties feel like they got something and don’t feel humiliated.

The Ten Commandments for Fair Fighting

1. Never argue in front of the children, it harms and scares them.

2. Don’t ever hit your spouse.

3. Don’t curse at or call your spouse names, it is abusive.

4. Don’t attempt to get your way by bullying your spouse.

5. Don’t withhold sex to get your way.

6. Do not scream at your spouse it is abusive.

7. Do not interrupt; it is disrespectful, listen until they are done.

8. Do not take revenge for perceived hurts.

9. Develop a peacemaking attitude with questions like: How can we resolve this?

10. Don’t give people the “silent treatment”. It is revenge and it is emotionally abusive.

 I have re-written an old nursery rhyme that is more appropriate: Sticks and stones can only break your bones but words can wound a spirit, break a heart or kill a relationship.

 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man (woman) be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. James 1:19

 The big problem is that the vast majority of people don’t heed the above scriptural mandate. Most people are doing just the opposite: they are quick to anger, quick to speak and slow to listen. If you can follow the scriptural mandate, you will be amazed at how much better your marriage works.

The whole concept plays with the belief that we all have an invisible bucket in our heart.  When your bucket is full, you feel happy and good about yourself, when it is empty, you feel sad and angry.  When we say nice things or do nice things, we fill another person’s bucket.  While we are filling someone’s bucket, we are also filling ours.  When we do things that are mean, we dip from their buckets.  It’s a fairly simple concept, but one that needs to be taken as a life mantra.  Be a bucket filler, not a dipper.

So, what are we doing to fill our spouses bucket?  What are we doing to fill the buckets in our children, our friends, our co-workers, our crabby neighbors?  There is something so meaningful about being aware of how our words and our actions affect the lives of people.  We can use our words and our actions to edify and build up or to tear down and destroy.  Each word that comes out of our mouth and each action has a consequence.

My husband and I in the early stages of our marriage would say things to each other like, “My affection tank is low.”  That was a clue to let the other person know we needed a little extra TLC.  I know when my husband’s bucket is low, when someone has taken major dips out of it.  I try to go the extra mile with him to fill his bucket.  I will praise him more than normal, make his favorite cookies, give him space to process his feelings and emotions.  Scott has learned that when my bucket is low, he can give me hugs while I cry or let me vent my emotions without judgement.

God is ultimately the best bucket filler.  I find that when my bucket is so very low, He will always fill it.

So, I challenge you to go out of your way to fill someones bucket.  Make it a priority to look for ways to perform random acts of kindness.  Instead of harsh words, use kindness.  Instead of tearing down, build up.  Our words and actions are powerful and can make a huge difference in someone’s life.  Thanks for listening, Kirsten

I wonder how my knitting projects are like life/marriage?   You start out and the possibilities are endless.  So many options are laid before you and your spouse.  Sometimes things get a little tricky, but if we put the problem in our “yarn basket”, we will never find a resolution.  It’s important to stick with it and work through the difficult areas.  Don’t be afraid of a challenge.  Try something different, even if it’s scary.  Surround yourself with people who are life-giving and wise.  Without my knitting friend, the sweater would still be in the basket.

What are my New Years Resolutions?  Continue to make my marriage amazing and maybe knit another sweater.  Thanks for listening, Kirsten

1.  He doesn’t like conflict but never runs from it.  He’s the bravest man in the whole world.

2.  He cares about people with a passion that is unmatched.

3.  He loves me more than anything else in the world and I know it.

4.  He never complains about all the yarn in my craft baskets that are scattered in every room of the house.

5.  He can cook.  Seriously, I wonder what he’s making for dinner tonight….

6.  He plays with our boys, even though they are almost teenagers, he still plays and hangs out with them.

7.  He is my biggest cheerleader. 

8.  He is so wise and I love how he shares his wisdom with others.  He’s never afraid of being upstaged.  He just wants to impact others in a positive way.

9.  He’s seen the ugly cry and he still thinks I’m pretty.

10.  He thinks it’s weird how the kids get older, but I keep looking younger… (yes, that one works every time!)

11.  He acts like a little boy when I make him chocolate chip cookies and bring them to him warm, with a glass of milk.

12.  He can be goofy and playful.

13.  I love how we have a special language that is secret to everyone but us.

14.  I love how he tucks me in whenever I go to bed before him.

15.  He makes me a cup of hot tea each evening.

16.  He teaches our boys to open doors for women.

17.  He sets a Godly example for the boys on how to be a man of God.

18.  He can fix almost anything that is broken.

19.  He’s not afraid of asking for help if he needs it.

20.  Even though his clothes never make it to the laundry basket, he will pick up his clothes without complaining.

21.  He likes to go on dates every weekend and just spend time with me.

22.  He is not greedy and will give generously to things he believes in.

23.  If he becomes frustrated with me, he cools himself down before we have any discussions, and they are always in a calm and loving manner.

24.  He has a great sense of fashion and picks out better clothes for me than I do myself. 

25.  He will defend me in every situation.

I seriously could go on and on but who wants to read a list of top 100 reasons why I think my husband is the greatest.  Maybe he would.  That would be a great Christmas present!  Maybe I’ll create a craft box full of reasons I love him and throw it out there on pinterest.  Why do you love your husband?  Why do you love your wife?  Let them know.  They need to hear it.  I’m going to sign off and read my list to Scott.  Thanks for listening!  Kirsten